The Foundation of a Family

The foundation of a strong family is undoubtedly a strong marriage.  Without a strong marriage, parents can invest in the lives of their children and positively impact the lives of their children, but inevitably something will be lacking.  Children need the protection of their father, the nurturing of their mother and the love and affirmation of both.  Furthermore, children will not respect parents who do not respect each other.

Studies have shown that children would prefer their parents to love each other more than they would prefer their parents love them.  Children cannot develop fully and properly if their parents have a weak marriage.  There is research to back this up.  Children who come from homes where the father and mother are in a committed relationship and who love and respect each other are:

• More emotionally stable
• More likely to do better in school
• More likely to have healthy relationships in the future
• Less likely to experiment with drugs or sex outside of marriage
• Less likely to exhibit anti-social behavior
• More respectful of authority
• Happier

Now that you know how important a strong marriage is for a strong family, let's look at how we can build up a marriage.  Let's start by defining just what marriage is before we start talking about how to strengthen it though.  Here is what Noah Webster defined marriage as in his 1828 Dictionary of the American Language:

"n. The act of uniting a man and woman for life; wedlock; the legal union of a man and woman for life. Marriage is a contract both civil and religious, by which the parties engage to live together in mutual affection and fidelity, till death shall separate them. Marriage was instituted by God himself for the purpose of preventing the promiscuous intercourse of the sexes, for promoting domestic felicity,and for securing the maintenance and education of children."

 Many who are entering into serious relationships today believe that it is a good idea to cohabitate prior to marriage and see the act of getting married as unnecessary-believing instead that their present feelings of "love" are sufficient to keep them together for as far into the future as they can imagine.  This is a dangerous lie that holds many within my generation captive.  Cohabitation could initially be appealing, but it allows for either the husband or wife to exit the relationship freely at any time.  This freedom to leave does not foster a willingness to actually invest in the relationship.

Marriage, when a man and woman make a covenant to unite under God and under the law, creates incentive to invest in the relationship as argued in "The Marriage Problem" by James Q Wilson.  It erases the fear that a spouse will leave and replaces it with an understanding that, no matter what, the couple has to make it work.  This creates a team-mate mentality over a territorial mentality and encourages couples to share their finances, work through problems, and otherwise invest in their relationship.

If you haven't made the marriage commitment to your lifelong partner yet, let me encourage you to do so-marriage adds solidarity to your commitment and will force you to exercise the self-control to see your relationship with your significant other through to the end-providing for a richer, more fulfilling life and will allow you to look back with joy and not regret.  If you have already made the commitment to marry your lifelong partner-great!  Let's explore how you can make your marriage even better.

I would like to give you some practical take-away for steps that you can take to improve your marriage:

1. Make a commitment to spend meaningful time with each other on a regular basis
• Let's face it-you and your spouse can get pretty busy.  Taking time-outs to invest in your relationship with your spouse are invaluable.  My wife and I have blocked out Friday nights on our calendars and we both know that it is "date night."  Whether it's pizza and a movie at home, ice skating, night hiking, learning something new together, or playing games, investing time into your marriage will pay dividends into your later years.
2. Put all your money in the same bank account
• "Where your money is, there your heart is also"-Matthew 6:21
• Money is an area that can make or break a marriage.  Putting all your money into one bank account is a physical manifestation that you and your spouse are on the same team.  If you entered the marriage with unequal debts or you currently earn different amounts, it does not matter-you are on the same team now.  If your spouse owes money-you owe money and what each of you earn is what you both earn.
• I recommend that you go to Total Money Makeover or Crown Financial to learn more about finances as a couple.
3. Find out how best to communicate love to your spouse
• My wife and I went through Dr. Chapman's The 5 Love Languages assessment and learned how we each communicated and received love.  Go through this with your spouse to ensure that when you are communicating love, your spouse understands what you're communicating.
4. Be your spouse's #1 fan
• Build your spouse up to your friends, coworkers, and any one who will listen.  When your spouse hears how you've been talking them up, it will reinforce that you are both on the same team.
• This also lets your spouse know that you appreciate them.
• When you advocate for one another it is a signal to your spouse and the people around you that you are in it together.
5. Listen to your spouse
• You cannot love that which you do not understand.
• Listening to your spouse signals that you care about him, that you want to know more about her, and that what happened in their day is important to you.
6. Fight fair
• Disagreements are part of relationships.  Remember above all that you are on the same team.  Try to find a solution to the problem that is a "win" for both of you.
• Do not accuse, blame, or name-call.  Instead, share with your spouse how their words or actions made you feel.
• NEVER threaten your spouse especially with divorce.  Divorce is not an option and your spouse should never be made to think that it's an option.  Coercion is not the way to resolve an argument.
• Take a time out to calm down individually.
• Come back together to deal with the issue.
• Be willing to listen to your spouse's feelings.
• Work together to find a solution so that you can get over the issue and avoid it in the future of your relationship.
7. Pray together
• As my pastor used to say, "the couple who prays together, stays together."
• Investing in and caring about the spiritual health of your spouse is essential.
• According to a 1997 Gallup Poll, couples who regularly pray together  are more likely to stay together.  Their chance of divorce goes from the average 1 in 3 to an astounding 1 in 1, 152
• Whether it's at meals, in the morning, before bed, or all the time, you are taking your issues, together, back to your Creator.

So, hopefully you got several takeaways from this, but if you remember nothing else, remember that a strong and healthy family starts and ends with a strong and healthy marriage.

May your family be strong and may you be encouraged!

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